


your light stains me with a shadow

by chanyous_height_difference



Category: AB6IX (Band)
Genre: M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, So here we are, honestly i just want both of them to be happy and that's it, i honestly don't know what to tag, i really thought i'd have all the time in the world to finish this but the universe said no, me projecting my feelings onto my ex-bias, still wanted to post it because i think it's one of my better works, there's angst but also fluff at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:26:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25173091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chanyous_height_difference/pseuds/chanyous_height_difference
Summary: Woojin deserves someone extraordinary, someone amazing, someone incredible. He isn‘t all of that. He‘s just Youngmin.
Relationships: Lim Youngmin/Park Woojin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	your light stains me with a shadow

**Author's Note:**

> I started this way back in October when Blind For Love came out, but I just finished it yesterday. Things have changed since I started this, but I still wanted to put it out. Youngmin was my bias and honestly, posting this kinda feels like my personal little goodbye to him. Finishing this piece already helped a bit, and I hope that maybe some of you find some joy when you read it.
> 
> Title is taken from Shadow by AB6IX. I'm creative like that.
> 
> And with all that out of the way: I hope you all have a good day/night. Remember to take care of yourselves, especially in these times ♡ Enjoy reading :D

Youngmin knows that he isn‘t perfect. And most of the time, he knows that he doesn‘t have to be. He accepts that he can‘t be good at everything and he‘s happy with the things he‘s capable of. But then, there are moments like this. Moments where he looks at Park Woojin and knows that even though he‘s good, he‘s _not enough_.

Woojin deserves someone extraordinary, someone amazing, someone incredible. He isn‘t all of that. He‘s just Youngmin. Youngmin, with too many flaws and too many doubts. Woojin is worthy of something better, of _someone_ better. And even though he knows, Youngmin can’t stop himself from hoping. Hoping that someday, Woojin will look at him and see him as somebody he can love.

-

Youngmin doesn’t know when it started. He just remembers that one day, during dance practice, Woojin smiled at him. And suddenly, he felt his heart beating faster. After that, it didn’t take long to figure out that he’s in love.

From one moment to another, Youngmin is hyperaware of everything Woojin does and says. Especially if it has something to do with Youngmin himself. Woojin’s hand on his thigh, Woojin’s head on his shoulder, the small eyeroll he sends Youngmin during company meetings.

On one hand, it’s amazing. Every time Woojin as much as looks at him, Youngmin feels warmth bloom in his chest and he can’t stop himself from smiling. On the other hand, it hurts. Because Youngmin knows that every touch, every look, every smile, isn’t meant the way he wants it to. He’s Woojin’s friend and not his lover.

He wishes he had the courage to change that, but he doesn’t. Because he knows that he could never be enough for the perfection that is Park Woojin.

Youngmin is aware of the fact that someday, these feelings will break him. But he can’t stop himself from falling deeper and deeper. How could he, when everything about Woojin is just so captivating and fascinating. He doesn’t know it, but he’s the brightest star in Youngmin’s galaxy.

-

The day he finally shatters is a Tuesday. It’s already past 1am, but he’s still in the practice room, trying to get a particular dance move right. He’s the last one, Donghyun and Woong left an hour ago, but he insisted on staying.

It’s after a tricky turn that his feet just give up under him and Youngmin collapses to the floor. It doesn’t hurt, but suddenly, he feels so _defeated_. His thoughts are screaming at him that he’s _not enough, not enough, not enough_. He doesn’t realize he’s crying until he tastes salt on his lips.

Youngmin has no idea how long he stays on the floor. He’s just so _tired_ and his heart feels unbelievable heavy. When he finally stands up, he avoids looking in the mirror. Youngmin’s sure that he looks like an absolute mess and honestly, it’s something he really doesn’t want to see. He uses the sleeve of his hoodie to wipe the remains of his tears from his eyes and finally leaves the practice room.

The way back to the dorm is peaceful and exactly what Youngmin needs. The dim glow of the streetlights and the sounds of cars passing are soothing and he finally gets the voices in his head to shut up.

However, his calm doesn’t last for long. The moment he opens the door, Woojin’s standing in front of him. The younger’s warm smile is quickly wiped away when he looks at Youngmin and it’s replaced with a concerned expression.

“Are you okay?” he asks and steps closer. Youngmin resists the urge to flinch. Suddenly, it feels like he can’t breathe, and the fact that Woojin is standing so close to him doesn’t help. Because he is so unbelievable _perfect_ , even when he’s without any make-up, when his hair isn’t styled, and when there are dark shadows under his eyes. Youngmin remembers his breakdown in the practice room and he knows that he can’t do this, not now, not ever.

“I’m fine.” he tells Woojin, trying to give the younger a reassuring smile. Woojin gives him a look that practically screams _I don’t believe a word you just said_ , but he doesn’t ask any more questions. Instead, he looks at Youngmin with a soft glint in his eyes.

“I hope you talk to me when you’re ready.”

Then he turns around and walks to his room, closing the door behind him. Youngmin’s left alone in the empty hallway, feeling a familiar burn in his eyes. He bites his lower lip until he tastes blood and only allows the tears to fall after he shuts his own door.

-

Youngmin _really_ wants to turn away, but he just can’t. His gaze is fixed on Woojin and the way he dances, full of smooth movements, sharp lines, and intense looks. It’s unbelievable attractive and the only thing he can think about is that he wants Woojin to come over, pin Youngmin against a wall, and kiss him until they’re both out of breath.

He hates being in love, he hates himself for _falling_ in love. But what he especially hates is that it had to be Woojin, incredible, wonderful, perfect Park Woojin, who’s so unbelievable out of reach for Youngmin. It hurts just thinking about it and the pain in his heart finally is enough to make him look away.

Staring at his hands, he tries to think about something else. New lyrics he could write, the dumb joke Donghyun told him a few days ago, what he’s going to eat tonight. Everything to keep him away from his thoughts about Woojin and how his lips would feel.

Only later, when it’s dark outside and Youngmin is alone in his room, he allows himself to think about Woojin again. The way his eyes sparkle when he smiles, how he literally glows when he dances, how his voice sounds when he’s happy about something. Youngmin is in love with every little thing about Woojin and his heart’s aching for the same kind of love.

But he knows that he doesn’t deserve it. He’s not talented enough, not attractive enough, not smart enough. At least not for Woojin. And he’s trying, he’s really, _really_ trying to be better. It just doesn’t seem to work, his breakdown some days ago is the perfect example for that.

Staring up at the ceiling, he can’t help but think about the fact that someday, Woojin’s going to find someone. Someone who isn’t Youngmin. The thought alone is enough to make his heart tighten painfully and he squeezes his eyes shut to stop the tears. He lost count of how many times he cried during the last few days, but he’s too exhausted to care.

It isn’t the first night he cries himself to sleep, but it’s the one that hurts the most.

-

Woojin’s looking at him. And it’s not with mischief, like most of the time. It’s calculated, like he’s trying to figure something out. Youngmin doesn’t like it. He tries to ignore it, but that’s easier said than done, especially when Woojin doesn’t even try to hide that he’s staring.

Youngmin knows that the other members already realized that something is going on. Daehwi sits across from Woojin, his gaze flitting between them every few seconds, Donghyun’s staring at his phone, trying a little too hard to not look up, and Woong’s getting his make-up done, not saying a single word and radiating uncertainty. The whole room feels tense and it’s more than uncomfortable. He stands up, excuses himself, and leaves.

The hallway is full of people, technicians, directors, and other idols. Youngmin feels like he can’t breathe and he’s glad when he finds that the bathroom at the end of the hall is empty. Honestly, he just wants to sink to the floor and cry his heart out, but he’s already wearing his stage outfit and his make-up, so it’s not really an option. Instead, he leans against the wall next to the sink and stares at his shoes.

Youngmin doesn’t know what to do, what to feel, what to think. He’s so scared that everything is falling apart because he can’t control his feelings, because he gets sadder and sadder each day and everyone around him can see it.

Hiding the fact that he’s hopelessly in love was easy at first, but the deeper he fell, the harder it got. Now he’s glad when he can look Woojin in the eyes for longer than two seconds. It makes everything so complicated: practicing, filming, performing, working together. Even their free-time isn’t as carefree as it used to be. And Youngmin knows that it’s his fault.

He’s struggling to keep himself together and if it wasn’t for the door opening, he thinks he would’ve screamed.

“Hyung, we’re on in ten minutes. Are you ready?” Daehwi sounds tentative and Youngmin attempts to give him a small smile, trying to make him feel a little bit better. He walks to the door, but Daehwi’s voice makes him stop.

“Is everything alright?” For a second, when his gaze meets Daehwi’s concerned one, Youngmin thinks about telling the truth. Telling him about how he is in love with Woojin and how much it hurts to be reminded again and again about the fact that he isn’t enough. Then he remembers who he’s talking to and decides to shut up. They all have more important things on their mind. No one needs Youngmin’s issues on top of their own.

“I’m fine, just a bit tired. Don’t worry so much.” His voice sounds more confident than he feels and it seems to be believable because Daehwi nods and gives him a tiny smile. When he follows the boy out of the room, there’s only one thought on his mind.

_Nothing is alright._

-

The soft sound of the door closing makes Youngmin look up. Woojin’s standing in his room, looking serious, and honestly, Youngmin is afraid. He’s not getting out of this one, the way Woojin is looking at him tells him that much.

“Why didn’t you come and talk to me?” Woojin’s voice sounds soft and Youngmin has to look away or else he’s going to spill out everything he’s been keeping in for months now. The younger takes a small step in his direction and Youngmin flinches away. It stops Woojin immediately.

“Because there’s nothing to talk about.” Youngmin is a bit surprised at how cold his voice sounds, but it’s better than Woojin hearing it break in the middle of the sentence.

“Are you sure about that?” The younger sounds angry now and Youngmin thinks it’s more convenient than Woojin looking at him with gentle eyes and soft smiles. He’s less likely to tell an angry Woojin about his feelings.

“Yes, I am. Can you please leave now?” Youngmin stands up, planning on opening the door and shoving Woojin out if he has to. But the moment he reaches for the door handle, the younger grabs his arm and suddenly, Youngmin finds his back pressed against the wood and his wrists pinned next to his head, Woojin’s face only centimeters away from his.

He needs a moment to realize what happened but when he does, he tries to free himself. It’s a short fight because even though he’s taller, Woojin is definitely stronger, and he doesn’t seem to have a problem with holding Youngmin in place.

“I’m not letting go until you tell me what’s wrong. We’re worried about you, hyung, and if this is the only way to make you talk, I’m going to do it.” Seeing the determination on Woojin’s face, Youngmin slumps against the door and closes his eyes. He can feel the youngers breath on his lips and the warmth of his body, can smell his toothpaste and his shampoo, and Youngmin’s heart hurts so, _so_ much.

“I can’t.” He whispers. When he opens his eyes, Woojin is looking at him with so much sadness and Youngmin feels unbelievable guilty because it’s his fault, it’s always his fault, because he can’t control himself and his goddamn feelings. He’s the reason they’re all confused and worried and Youngmin never hated himself more for falling in love than he does in this moment.

“Why not? You know that we all love you, what’s so bad that you can’t talk about it?” _It’s you_ , Youngmin wants to scream. _You and your stupid bright smile and the way your eyes sparkle when you laugh. It’s the way you dance and how you act so loud and chaotic and carefree. How you’re so talented at everything you do. You and the fact that you work so hard when you’re already the most perfect person I know._ He bites his lower lip instead.

“You still don’t want to tell me?” When Youngmin shakes his head, Woojin gives him a small, sad smile. “Alright, then we’re staying here.”

For a moment, he thinks Woojin is joking, but then he remembers the determination on the others face, feels the firmness of his grip on Youngmin’s wrists, and knows that this time, he isn’t. So they stand there, looking at each other, not saying a word.

It’s the longest time they’ve ever been this close to each other, Woojin is the only thing he can see, and Youngmin’s heart breaks. The younger looks so beautiful, hair still a little bit damp from his shower, eyes shining even without make-up, and Youngmin remembers all the times Woojin sat next to him, looking like this. Remembers bright smiles, loud laughter, and deep conversations. Remembers the feeling of happiness. He can’t stop the next words from slipping out.

“I am in love with you.”

The moment the sentence is out, Youngmin wants to disappear. The only thought on his mind is that he ruined _everything_ , and if it wasn’t for Woojin still pinning him against the door, he would’ve run away. He was supposed to stay quiet, to hide all of his feelings, to not be so goddamn _selfish_ and destroy all of the things they have together. Youngmin feels so unbelievable helpless, so vulnerable, and everything is _too much, too much, too much_.

“Can I kiss you?” Woojin’s voice is quiet and careful, and Youngmin needs a moment to register the words. When he does, he looks up and directly at the younger, waiting for Woojin to laugh, to tell him that it’s a joke, that their friendship is over. Instead, he finds warm brown eyes, filled with so much love, hope, and happiness. Youngmin doesn’t know if it’s the truth or if he’s just imagining things, but apparently, his heart already made the decision for him.

“Please.” He whispers, small and breathless. As soon as the word has left his mouth, Woojin’s lips are on his. There aren’t any sparks or fireworks. It’s more like coming home: warm, soft, safe. He can feel his heart beating like crazy and when Woojin parts his lips and slips his tongue into Youngmin’s mouth, he thinks that this is the moment he’s going to die.

They don’t stop until they’re both out of breath and even then, it’s just a short moment before Woojin’s back to kissing him, his lips making their way down Youngmin’s neck to his shoulder and when Woojin bites down on his collarbone, Youngmin can’t stop the small whimper that’s falling from his lips. Woojin stills, detaches his mouth from Youngmin, and looks up, a smirk on his face.

“That was hot.” He says and winks. Youngmin can feel the blush spreading on his face and he really wishes that Woojin would let him go because this is _embarrassing_. The younger looks like he’s going to say something else, so Youngmin does the only thing he can think of that would shut him up: kissing him again.

It’s as incredible as the first time, maybe even better. There’s a warmth in his heart that he can’t describe and when Woojin smiles against his lips, Youngmin thinks that this is the happiest he’s ever been. He can feel one of Woojin’s hands slide down to his hips while the other one interlaces their fingers, and he’s _finally_ able to bury his hand in Woojin’s soft hair, something he wanted to do since this whole thing started.

“Woojin? Are you still alive?” Woong’s voice and a knock on the door make them jump apart. They lock eyes for a moment and before he can stop himself, Youngmin starts to giggle. It doesn’t take long for Woojin to follow and soon, they’re almost lying on the floor, shaking with laughter.

“Everything’s fine, hyung. I’m still breathing.” Youngmin’s surprised that Woojin is still capable of wheezing out a sentence, but apparently, it’s enough for Woong. He can hear a whisper of _They’re going insane_ , followed by departing footsteps.

For a moment, they just lie next to each other on the floor, eyes interlocked and watching each other quietly. It’s Woojin who breaks the silence.

“If you haven’t already noticed, I love you too.” His voice sounds teasing, but there’s a soft smile on his lips.

“I would’ve told you, but I didn’t know if you felt the same. Like, you were always staring at me, but every time I was near you, you looked… I don’t know, tortured. I didn’t want to make you more uncomfortable.” He continues, and Youngmin sighs, turning his head and staring up at the ceiling.

“I’m sorry. I never wanted to make you feel like you make me uncomfortable. I was just, I don’t know… I thought that I wasn’t good enough for you. Still kinda do. I’ve been in love with you for I don’t know how long, but I never even thought about you feeling the same. In my head, you would always settle for someone more talented than me, prettier than me, _better_ than me. And eventually, it just hurt to be close to you.”

Taking a deep breath after ending his explanation, Youngmin turns back to Woojin. He doesn’t know what he’s expecting, but seeing the soft smile still on the younger’s face wasn’t it. Woojin’s looking at him with so much love and adoration, it almost hurts, and Youngmin has to close his eyes to stop his tears from falling. The little voice in his head is telling him that he doesn’t deserve this, but all of his thought come to a sudden halt when Woojin decides to interlace their fingers.

“I like you for who you are. You being yourself, you being _Youngmin_ … It’s enough.” The younger’s voice sounds so unbelievable sincere, and when Youngmin opens his eyes again, Woojin’s face is hovering above him, smile bright and eyes sparkling. He’s so, so beautiful, and Youngmin can’t stop himself from softly asking for another kiss. And when the younger leans down to connect their lips again, Youngmin finally feels like Woojin is someone he deserves.


End file.
